The House of Wax (Jaume Collet-Serra,2005)

The 2005 version of the House of Wax is just one of those films. It’s a terrible remake of a classic. But we probably watch it just because it is so bad. To make things worse, the incredible dull Paris Hilton is one of the stars. Basically, to save you the trouble, it is crap but it is rather funny to point and laugh at all the horror clichés. A bit like the film ‘Teeth’ (Mitchell Lichtenstein, 2007) or ‘The human Centipede’ (Tom Six, 2009) just a bit less gross.

When a group of campers on the way to a game get stuck in a weird abandoned town after their car breaks down, they stumble upon the House of Wax. A wax house, where all the wax works are made of real people.

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Our film begins with Stereotypes! Because like is said before this film is very cliché. We get introduced to the villains as children so we can get an insight into their personality but don’t get to see what they look like. We then get to meet our very stereotypical teens; the blonde slut that missed her period, the ‘jock’ boyfriend, the main female character with her sweet boyfriend, the rebellious little brother and the stoner.

To make things even worse we get a terrible hand held scene at a party our characters are having at a make shift camp sight. Most of this awful party is just the couples kissing and the lonely singles sat around the campfire (a bit like my plans for Valentine’s Day). UNTIL, a stranger appears in a black truck to… look at them and then drive away. But then like expected he comes back and films them while they sleep, a bit like ‘VHS’ (Adam Wingard, 2012), ‘Sinister’ (Scott Derrickson, 2012) and ‘the house October built’ (Bobby Roe, 2014).  One of the character then goes outside on her own only to have her boyfriend jump scare her… a bit like ‘ Friday 13th’ (Marcus Nispel,2009) CLICHES!

However, I will give the film some credit, when you see the pile of road kill you probably will gag.

We then get to watch two of our teens get fooled by some wax works and a single man into believing that this ghost town is a thriving community. Yes, it takes them 1 hours and 20 minutes for them to realise that wax works aren’t real people. Still, they are the kind of people who walk into a closed house of wax …so you can’t be surprised at their stupidity. Although, if they didn’t walk into the house, we wouldn’t get to see some of the creepiest wax dolls in a horror film.

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HOUSE OF WAX, Elisha Cuthbert, 2005, (c) Warner Brothers

To heighten how truly hopeless these characters are, they make it into the house of the two serial killers and then begin to snoop around. So there is no surprise when one of the characters gets his heel cut with a big pair of scissors, ouch! What our film lacks in plot they make up for in gore. Other gross scenes include wade (Jared Padalecki) getting turned into a wax figure after being stitched, waxed and pinned into place with needles. Carly (Elisha Cuthbert) also gets her lips glued together and her finger cut off with some pliers. Finally, Paris Hilton gets a spear put through her head.

After all this drama the last survivors don’t try to run away when they have the chance, instead they go to the house of the killers for the second time. To give the film a fitting end, they then manage to find their way to the house of wax, which is stupidly enough literally made of wax.  So you can kind of guess what happens when the accidently set the whole place on fire. Yep, you guessed it, they pretty much just melt the building, along with all the wax on the dead people. It is all rather gross and ridiculously unbelievable.

To sum up the film is awful but worth a watch if you like to laugh at the crap horror films that have managed to be produced over the years.

How have you not seen this? – Deathbyapril- April Ely.

Follow me on twitter @apriely31 and Instagram deathbyapril for more updates.

Check out my review on

Black Christmas (Glen Morgan, 2006)

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Testament of Youth (James Kent,2014)

Have you ever watched a film just because there was an actor or actress that you love? Most of the times I find that some of the films my favourites have been in are awful but I watch the film over and over again to see that one celeb. For example, I love Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles from Supernatural (CW). Therefore, I have watched the terrible films that are ‘House of Wax’ (Jaume Collet-Serra. 2005) and ‘My Bloody Valentine’ (Patrick Lussier, 2009). So when I decided to watch the 2 hour film ‘ Testament of Youth’ in order to watch Taron Egerton I was expecting a fairly rubbish movie but that was not the case.

When Vera Brittain (Alicia Vikander) has her fiancé Roland Leighton (Kit Harington) her best friend Victor Richardson (Colin Morgan) and brother Edward Brittain (Taron Egerton) leave for the war she is forced to experience life in World War 1 as a woman. Therefore, to play her part in this horrific event in history she becomes a nurse on the battle field. She is forced to face grief as she loses all the men she loves.

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The film opens with the innocent idea of Vera and Ronald falling in love and Vera’s attempt to get into the University of Oxford. However, as we all know what happened in 1914, we didn’t expect this love story to last long. All the eligible men are forced to join the army and fight for Great Britain, unfortunately this dark part of history resulted in the loss of many beloved family and friends. This is defiantly an aspect that the film shows rather too well, as we lose characters at much unexpected times throughout the film. Normally with films, the characters don’t die until the last 20 minutes but War was a lot more brutal and our film wanted to tear your heart out very early on.

However, the most unsettling part of the film is when she stumbles upon the body of her brother whilst on nursing duty. This doesn’t give me much hope for the duty of care during the War.  Luckily, he is still alive and she is able to rescue the last survivor in Vera’s life. She looks after him until he is able to fight again over in Italy…. Only to be killed. Don’t get attached to any of these characters because you will cry! Also be warned this is based on a true story so I would like to pay my respect for Vera and everyone lost within the World Wars.

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I found that this film shows the true horrors of War without showing any horror. We are given an indirect experience through the women left behind, who lost their husbands, friends and brothers. They were expected to ‘keep calm and carry on’ through this experience and help the wounded. This even included the British nurses tending to the German soldiers, the exact soldiers who killed their family. But these are still people who have family and are forced to fight for their country and this is a concept perfectly summed up by Vera within the first few scenes when she explains that they are people with family’s who feel the same way as us. So even though this is all past us now, it is still extremely horrific and stories like this will be remembered for ever.

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Here is a brief history of World War 1.

https://howhaveyounotseenthis.wordpress.com/a-brief-history-of-the-first-world-war/

How have you not seen this? – Deathbyapril- April Ely.

Follow me on twitter @apriely31 and Instagram deathbyapril for more updates.

Lip Sync Battle UK (Channel 5,2016)

We have all seen the incredible American Lip Sync Battles. Starting off with the Jimmy Fallon, the trend suddenly took everyone by storm. With performances on the show from celebrities such as Emma Stone, Joseph Gordon Levitt and of course the original creator of the competition Stephen Merchant. From the success of this small segment on the chat show, Lip Sync battle became an official show in the USA. However, as the UK and the USA have a habit of copying each other the UK thought that they should give the show a British spin. Hosted by Professor Green and Mel B the first episode was aired 8th January on Channel 5, with the two brits David Walliams and Alesha Dixon battling it out.

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If you don’t know what the show is, basically two celebrities go head to head and lip sync songs throughout two rounds. Round one is a warm up round and is by far the most boring. Honestly, if they want to keep the audience entertained put the same amount of effort in both performances. Therefore, obviously the second round is where the celeb palls it out of the bag and shows off all their great dance moves and hilarious facial expressions. Then at the end of both rounds the audience cheers to determine the winner. And to be fair, this is a terrible way to determine the winner because it hard to truly tell who won, can’t the audience just write it down or something?

With the first episode of the show giving us a very mediocre first round from both celebrities, it really put some of the audience to sleep, when watching it with my family my dad on several occasions went “ this is crap” “the Americans did it way better”. The show has way too much banter and ‘trash talk’, making the programme both cheesy and time consuming. They really could fit in another three rounds if they took out all the banter. Luckily, all the effort it put into the second round, where they get fancy costumes , props and back ground dancers. These last two songs put the British version in league with the American. We just have to hope that they keep it up and produce some fantastic battles to make it onto the top 10 Lip Sync battles.

Overall, David preformed a fantastic version of Adele’s ‘Hello’ but Alesha won with Taylor Swifts ‘Bad Blood’. Who do you think should have won?

David ( Hello)

or  Alesha

 

Personally i believe that David was bar far the best but it is the audiences decision.

How have you not seen this? – Deathbyapril- April Ely.

Follow me on twitter @apriely31 and Instagram deathbyapril for more updates.

 

Here are my top 10 Lip sync battles (excluding Davids performance).

Joseph Groden Levett and Stephen Merchant on Jimmy Fallon. 

 

Emma Stone on Jimmy Fallon 

Lip Sync Battle – Stephen Merchant ( Dirty )

Malin Akerman (talk dirty to me)

Terry Crew (1000 miles)

John Krasinski (proud mary )

Julianne Hough (i just had sex)

Anna Kendrick ( Big booty)

Anne Hathaway (Wrecking Ball)

Gregg Sulkin ( Milkshake)

 

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (Harald, Zwart 2013)

In 2013 another book series written by Cassandra Clare was adapted into a film. From the craze of the Hunger Games, Maze runner and divergent came another thrilling story about a teen on an adventure to save the world and everyone they love. However, this time the Mortal Instruments brings in the supernatural, instead of your stereotypical evil dictating government.

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When Clary Fray (Lily Collins) notices strange symbols around New York, she enters a nightclub with the exact same marking, only to stumble upon a few people who in fact can’t be seen by anyone else. One of these strange figures turns out to be Jace Wayland (Jamie Campbell Bower) a shadow hunter who tells Clary that she is magical. As a result of her new “powers” she and Simon Lewis (Robert Sheehan) are dragged into the word of demons, vampires and werewolves, eventually leading her to the truth as to who she really is.

The film opens with the perfect beginning, some really bad poetry and a muurrdddeeerrrr. But when you are the only person who can see the murder and you start to scream really loud in a room full of people then those people will think you are crazy. Then when you walk into your room full of strange symbols, you will probably think that you are crazy. However, this fear is very shortly lived as she is confronted by our tall, dark, hansom stranger, with the most incredible jaw line I have ever seen… who happened to be the killer from the previous night (So he is basically the perfect man).

If all this wasn’t enough information for our poor Clary, then running into a dog that turns out to be the strangest looking demon I have ever seen, would defiantly convince her of the supernatural all within the first 10 minutes of the film. Yes, much like our beloved heroin, we are also not given enough time to think everything through. However, luckily for both us and the characters a witch lives in the flat underneath, how convenient.

 “Downgraded from a cottage to an apartment”.

This witch then begins to explain basically everything and I mean begins because she runs upstairs to accidently smack her best friend over the head with a fire extinguisher. The film knows how to drag this out and confuse EVERYONE.  Then to confuse everyone even more, they add in random characters with some interesting conditions. Yes, we have now seen demons, shadow hunters, witches and werewolves and the film has just begun. Talk about a fast moving plot. But some of us may find this a plus; no one likes a film that has way too much introduction before the film actually starts to get good.

Another bonus to the film is the fact that they give us enough people to drool over no matter your sexual preference. You can pick from your attractive hero of the film, the very sexy nerdy best friend, the heroin of our film, the very hot British female hunter and the two extremely attractive gay guys.  What more could you want?! Tattoos, that’s what, nearly everyone in this film has some very hot tattoos. But remember this is Hollywood so everyone is attractive.

Eventually, luckily for us our heroin is brought to an underground cult (nothing suspicious about that) to get her memories back so both she and the audience can find out who she is and where the cup of immortality is. This for some reason causes her to need to dress up as:

“Someone who’s phone number belongs on a bathroom wall”

and for everyone else to wear 100% black. This is all done to find the witch, who removed all her memories in the first place. Remember, if you want something done dress like a prostitute first.

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However, life isn’t all that simple, as the very sweet and innocent Simon is taken by Vampires. Yay another monster added to the list of supernatural creatures they squeezed into this film. But this does finally give the film the excuse to show our team of shadow hunters in action and trust me you will not be disappointed. 5 people and a pack of werewolves against 50 vampires does get pretty intense. And to add to all this a little romance is brought into the equation, along with one of our beloved characters being turned into a vampire.

In addition, to reinforce my previous argument that this film is very complicated a door that can take you anywhere and the fact that Mozart, his music not the person, can scare away demons is brought into this over complex plot line. But to keep the audience at bay, they do also add some very Avatar looking flowers and kissing in the sprinkler system.  If I wanted to keep going I could say that Clary can put stuff into paper and then take it back out, everyone is in love with each other blah blah blah.

All this plot development leads Clary to figure out where the cup is, only to be instantly attacked by another demon. However, since there happens to be a piano, the demon can be cared away by Mozart. It is all rather confusing. Unfortunately, when the cup is brought back there is betrayal; much like all the stereotypical films. In addition, Clary’s evil farther shows up along with half a dozen or so demons… it’s all kicking off now! However, out of the blue Clary makes up a symbol that can protect people from demons. This even seemed to confuse the other characters let alone us lot.

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During the last scenes we then get plot homage to Star Wars where everyone is related. This includes two people who are doing things with each other that certainly shouldn’t be done by brother and sister. But this fact is overlooked when they decide that they want to ignore this little DNA discovery and continue to be with each other. This will lead everyone to think; is he dating is sister or was her father lying to them? Again this film asks more questions than it answers.

Overall, the film is fantastic, a bit odd, extremely confusing and has some really cool monsters. It is just a shame that they haven’t made a second.

How have you not seen this? – Deathbyapril- April Ely.

Follow me on twitter @apriely31 and Instagram deathbyapril for more updates. check out my review on

 

the hunger games

The hunger Games (Gary Ross, 2012)